


Sleep is not for the undeserving

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, Family Loss, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Late Night Conversations, Meditation, Prayer, Repressed Memories, Roommates, Sleepiness, Sleeptalking, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 15:50:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Fjord, in all his time of adventuring with the Mighty Nein, has only shared a room with a single person.Now that person is gone, replaced someone much too tall and much too innocent, pink instead of purple, tea instead of liquor, Caduceus instead of Molly.And Fjord, late at night, is finding that he doesn't actually know how to deal with that.





	Sleep is not for the undeserving

**Author's Note:**

> God, I love these guys. And I really miss Molly. can you tell? Hope it's ok x tell me what you think!

It was only natural, Fjord accepted, that now the party had a new member and Fjord recently had a vacated position for a roommate, that Caduceus would end up sharing most Inn rooms with him, when he wasn’t staying up with Caleb, telling stories with Beau or drawing with Jester.

At first, it gave Fjord pause. How dare they suggest that he replace his dear friends’ position in his life so soon after his death? But he shook it off and welcomed a confused Caduceus with warm and inviting arms.

Each night Caduceus would recount to Fjord aspects of the day that Fjord was either not present for or wasn’t paying attention to and Fjord, in turn, would contribute laughter and snippets of inside jokes that Caduceus wasn’t aware of.

But eventually, the conversation would taper off into silence. Caduceus would turn over and start snoring and Fjord would be left staring at the ceiling while his consciousness wared at his thoughts until inevitably Caduceus would rouse him out of his thoughts with a jolly hello and the raising of the sun.

He’d yawn, greet Caduceus as the large man left the room and instead of following, Fjord would sit on his bed and stare out the window until Jester’s voice would echo down the halls and the light of the sun would start to blind his vision.

Sometimes the talks felt lonelier than the silence, the words he expected to hear never coming and the outrageous stories he wasn’t sure were believable would never again meet his ears. He listened to tales of flowers and animals and in return, he would sometimes pitch in with stories about his time at sea, but Caduceus would just look at him and nod and Fjord would eventually give up.

“You look… tired.” Caduceus had said once. “More than usual. Are you having more nightmares? Don’t worry, your friends told me about them. I might have some tea that might help.”

And it was true- Fjord felt each day the life was being sucked out of him. Where it was going, he wasn’t sure. Maybe back into the sea to be consumed by his patron?

He hadn’t dreamt of tentacles and great bodies of water or giant yellow eyes for a while now. No, his nights of sleep were now plagued with living colour, the rustling of a hideous coat, the jangle of jewellery on horns, the hiss of an Infernal curse, a deck of cards being shufled between deft fingers, the dripping of blood, the crackling of ice, the glow of holy energy, the swish of a blade, old folk tales told around a campfire, drunken flirting, a blue-skinned woman made of moonlight, laughter from the back of a cart, loud announcements of arrival, comfort from an unlikely place, the glint of fangs and claws in the sunlight, the awe of seeing new things for the first time.

Fjord spent every night dreaming of someone who he could no longer share those dreams with and instead woke up to a man who knew nothing of the world outside his tiny bubble of insanity, drinking his tea and shouting out too-loud greetings at ungodly hours of the morning and Fjord would look at him and think: _if you’re a cleric whose goddess encourages life, then why can’t you bring back my friend who was only beginning to learn what the word meant?_

Each day he would drink more ale and each day he would sigh more often and each day he would mourn the loss of his best friend and get along with this new man who made him feel too old and too young at the same time.

It was Jester who looked at him with narrowed eyes and tight lips and an expression that said she was trying to learn something about him that had Fjord thinking _shit, I should sleep._

“What’s wrong with you?” Jester asked, pinching Fjord’s cheeks between her fingers and shaking it quickly. “You look all… grumpy and tired and old.”

Fjord slapped her hand away with a scowl. “I’m fine, Jes.”

“Your eyes are all puffy and purple like you’ve been crying.” She poked gently at the purple bags under his eyes. Suddenly, she gasped and her face fell. “Have you been crying Fjord?”

With another sigh, Fjord stood and made his way over to the staircase. “I’m going to take a nap. I’ll see you all at dinner. Come and wake me if you need me.”

But he didn’t sleep, only buried his head under the pillows and bundled up tightly in the covers and squeezed his eyes tightly shut in the hopes that maybe exhaustion would take over and tell his body what to do under the circumstances but something Fjord was waiting for never came and he ended up opening his eyes with a groan.

He was so used to being followed up the stairs by the tapping off thigh-high boots on the wood and the faint swishing of coat tails on the ground that when it wasn’t there his body didn’t really know how to continue.

Nobody came up to get him so nothing seemed to be off but Fjord sat in bed to watch the sunset and the stars rise.

Sometime later, after the lights from outside brightened and the music from the tavern bellow could be heard through the floorboards many fights up, Caduceus knocked politely on the door and flounced in, a steaming cup of tea held in his hand. “I uh, I thought you might like some tea to calm your mind.” He said so kindly  that Fjord felt he had no choice but to take it. “It’s made from geraniums and daises, from the graves of the Charleston’s. Old linage, somewhat bitter but I put some honey in so that should even it out.” He smiled warmly. “It’s to help with sleep.”

Fjord resisted rolling his eyes even as he took a sip. “I don’t need any help sleeping, Caduceus, but thanks for trying to help. This tea is delicious, as usual.”

Humming, Caduceus sat gently down on his own bed, eyes staring absently at the wall. “Your late friend, Mollymauk.” He said suddenly and Fjord flinched, spilling hot tea over the exposed skin on his arms and he hissed. “You were very close to him, weren’t you?”

“I uh, I suppose, yes.” Fjord said, hating the white lie. He meant more to Fjord than the half-orc would ever admit, the late nights spent laughing and joking and telling secrets until the sun came up like two little girls giddy over their first sleepover. He’d grown to used to the jabs from the cart and the pre-bought drinks and the sexual exploits of his friend. He’d expected the late night discussions about the meaning of life and the inevitability of death and the nonsense of happily ever after for people like them. “We were roommates for a time.”

“Oh, I see.” Caduceus nodded, as though he suddenly understood a very difficult math equation. “So you are unhappy with me for taking his position. I apologise, I wasn’t aware. I could move my things out and rent my own room tonight if you’d like?”

“No Caduceus, don’t.” Fjord sighed. “I’m not mad at you for taking Molly’s spot.”

“You’ve been oddly cold towards me as of recently and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.” Caduceus said but he didn’t seem angry, only contemplative. “I can understand now if that’s the reason. I really don’t mind; I’d be happy to if it would help you sleep.”

Setting down his teacup gently on the bedside table, Fjord turned fully to face Caduceus. “Listen, I don’t know why I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s not nightmares about… that place if that’s what you’re thinking. I just can’t find myself off to sleep. It’s simple.”

“I see,” Caduceus hummed in a way that told Fjord that he really didn’t. “Well, I’ll best leave you be. I suggest you drink that up and get some sleep.” Fjord nodded politely and waved a pleasant goodbye as Caduceus left the room and shut the door quietly behind him.

The tea must have done its job because soon Fjord was yawning and his muscles were turning to mush and his eyes were drooping shut. Before he knew it, he was breathing deeply and the landscape around him changed.

_The rain was pelting harshly on the window and the strength of the wind rattled the frame._

_There was a heavy sack slung over his shoulder filled with his belongings._ Why was I leaving? Fjord thought as he watched the dream- he swore it was a dream, he looked less worn, covered in fewer scars, more spring in his step- as if he were a third person watching it happen to someone else. _His hand held the door handle, the metal bitingly cold due to the temperature in the room but before he could turn it, an overly hot and sharp-clawed hand gripped his arm and Fjord whipped around._

_“Think about what you’re doing, Fjord,” Molly warned, his eyes wide with concern._ Fjord tried to move closer to his friend, positive he was dreaming, but his perspective didn’t move and he got no closer to the image.

_Angrily, Fjord ripped his hand from Mollymauk’s grasp. “This is something I need to do Molly.”_

_“I understand that,” Molly said calmly. His eyes were soft and his face was annoyingly open. “But you don’t need to do it alone.”_

Ah, now Fjord could remember why he was leaving. _“I have to figure out what this all is… what it means. The sea water dreams, the eye, the visions…”_

_Molly’s touch on his arm was gentle._ Oh, how dearly Fjord missed the comfort of that simple touch from that complex man. _“I know, I know. But we can do it together. You don’t always have to take on burdens alone. Let us come. Let us help you.”_

_Fjord swallowed down the lump in his throat. “Why would you do that?”_

_Sighing, Molly wrapped his long fingers around Fjord’s forearm and pulled him closer until Fjord could feel his body heat radiating off his skin. “Why? Because you’re our friend, Fjord. Fuck, I think your family at this point. Can you believe that? I’m starting to think of you fuckers as my family. And I would die for each and every one of you if it meant doing what needed to be done.”_

In the dream, the half-orc chuckled but as he watched, Fjord felt his non-existent body run cold. How could he have known? He thought. _“Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” Fjord gripped Molly back. “I’ll uh… I promise I’ll keep in touch. I won’t be gone long, just until I figure it out.”_

_With sad eyes, Molly nodded. “Be safe.” He released Fjord and sat back down on his bed, arms wrapped around his legs and knees tucked under his chin as he watched Fjord turn around, take a deep breath and leave the room._

The image shifted for a moment into a world of white blur and as if he had blinked, he was somewhere else. _He was in the bar of the inn, a round of glasses piled up around him and his head in his hands. His sack was discarded on the floor, the contents somewhat spilling onto the wood._

_The sun was coming up from the windows and some patrons came clomping down the stairs. One pulled out the chair right beside him and Fjord glared at the onslaught of colour. “What?” He snapped._

_“You didn’t find what you were looking for?” The lavender blob asked politely and Fjord lifted his head to glare at his friend._

_“I didn’t leave.” Fjord grumbled._ No, Fjord said to his past self, you didn’t leave because you were too busy thinking about Molly and family and how you belonged to this fucking group. _“Satisfied? You were right. It was a stupid fucking plan.”_

_Tutting, Molly looped his arms under Fjords and lifted his friend up, mostly dragging him up the stairs and into their room. “Oh Fjord, if you think I feel satisfaction from crashing down the confidence of others and depressing people so much they turn to drink to escape my torment, then you are sorely mistaken.” With a soft kiss to his temple, Molly tucked Fjord into bed and closed the blinds on the window. “Sleep now. When you wake, we will discuss our plans. As a team.”_

_Fjord fell into unconsciousness with the gangling sound of jewellery, the humming of off-key music and the tapping of the heels of Molly’s boots._

Waking up with a gasp, Fjord spun around, looking towards the bed to where he had hoped Molly would be, only to see Caduceus with his eyes open. Watching Fjord. “Uhh,” He said awkwardly. “Why are you watching me sleep, Caduceus?”

“You were making really weird sounds and I wanted to make sure you were alright.” His eyes were full of consideration that Fjord couldn’t understand. “Go back to sleep. I’m sure it was nothing.”

Rolling over, Fjord heard Caduceus do the same but instead of closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep, Fjord followed the swirls in the water-stained ceiling and imagined a purple tiefling in the constellations.

The next morning, Fjord went through the motions of the day, talking about spells with Caleb, drinking tea with Caduceus, following Jester around the town, playing cards with Nott, people watching with Beau, mourning with Yasha. He ate and he watched and he laughed but when he closed his eyes his mind snapped back to that time long ago. _“I would die for each and every one of you,”_ Molly had said. As though he knew it would happen.

“He did always say he was living on borrowed time he didn’t deserve,” Fjord muttered to himself as he stared at his reflection in his tankard.

“What?” Yasha asked from beside him, eyes narrowed.

“Nothing, don’t worry,” Fjord stood and walked stiffly to his room.

Fjord was staring mindlessly at his falchion, dripping saltwater onto his armour, when Caduceus walked in. To Fjords surprise, instead of going to his bed, Caduceus sat on the floor and pulled out his tripod. “What are you doing?” Fjord asked curiously.

Waving him off, Caduceus poured water from a pitcher into the kettle that he then sat atop the tripod. “Don’t mind me. I may have uh, come up with a solution for your sleeping problem.”

“Is that so.” Fjord said monotone as he watched Caduceus light a flame underneath the tripod and wait for the steam to boil. “Isn’t that a dangerous thing to do inside? In a wooden building?”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Caduceus gathered some tea and put into the steadily boiling water. “I’ve done this before.”

Instead of answering, Fjord lied his head back on his pillow and watched Caduceus in silence as he waited for the tea to boil. When the light blue steam was coming from the spout in a steady stream, Caduceus poured the tea into a teacup, the liquid a pale purple. He took a sip, tilted his head considerably, and dropped a teaspoon of honey into it and stirred it around, turning the liquid into a dark lavender. Fjord felt like it was painfully symbolic.

Surprisingly, Fjord could feel his breathing start to slow and his eyes flutter closed slightly as he watched his friend go through a new nighttime ritual. It was unexpected but not in any way unwanted.

Once the tea was done, Caduceus pored some water into a bowl and placed the cup in it before he extinguished the flame and packed up his supplies. He washed the cup with a soaked cloth before drying it, throwing the water out the window and hanging the cloth up to dry. He strolled to his bed, stripping off his armour and placing it delicately by the foot of it. He leaned his staff against the wall by the headboard and Fjord watched a single beetle crawl out from a knot and circle around the crystal.

Caduceus climbed onto the bed and folded his legs beneath him. He bent his head down, hair falling and obscuring his closed eyes and expressionless face as he muttered a prayer to the Wild Mother to look after his friends in their quest and to guide him in his duties. When his string of words ended, he sat up, crossed his legs with eyes still closed, his face a picture of tranquility, his breathing turned even and he began to meditate to soothe his mind.

Fjord’s body won the war against his mind and he found his eyes falling closed one last time as he finally drifted off to a long, dreamless sleep.

As his consciousness returned to his body Fjord could hear Caduceus humming from his side of the room and the clicking of him putting on his armour. There was a warm, soft weight over him and Fjord realized Caduceus must have covered him in a blanket once he fell asleep. Sitting up, he yawned, stretching his arms above his head.

“How did you sleep?” Caduceus asked as he caught sight of Fjord. “I hope it was well because Beau made a comment last night at dinner about leaving town today.”

“I uh, I slept well, Caduceus.” Fjord said slowly. “How did you do that? Did you cast a spell?”

“How did I do what?” Caduceus tilted his head.

Sighing, Fjord tried to reign in his frustration. “Last night, you said you knew how to make me sleep easier and then I did. How did you do it?”

Realization dawned on Caduceus’s face as he sat down on his unmade bed, clasping his hands together in his lap. “Well, Mollymauk was your roommate for a long time. Nott told me how many baubles he had in his horns and how he would pray over his swords each night. I thought that you’d… gotten used to the continuity of the ritual. He did it every night. I thought maybe you had started to expect it and when it didn’t come you didn’t know how to react.”

“So you made a night time ritual so I could sleep?” Fjord asked in disbelief. “Why?”

“It’s no trouble. It was something I used to do most nights anyway. I stopped when I joined you all because I felt that it would be… unwanted.” He smiled. “I hope it helped.”

“It did,” Fjord said quietly. He imagined Molly in Caduceus’ place, his smile showing fangs and his jewellery glinting in the sunlight from the window. Molly nodded once, a sad but proud twinkle in his eyes before his form faded slowly into the ether and Caduceus was sitting on the bed once more. “A lot more than you know.”


End file.
